well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
