They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
