i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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