u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
