i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
so much tequila, so little girl.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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