Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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