so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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