I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
