Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
