then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
