At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
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Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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