Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
