I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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