Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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