Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have fence marks all over my body
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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