she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
