Sry I called you an 8
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
