Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
