I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm just crazy horny about you
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
