Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
