i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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