I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!