I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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