I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
