Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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