I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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