K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
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So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.