John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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