Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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