It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
