Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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