I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just pynch a tree in the face
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
