Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
