would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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