he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
