im six kinds of drunk right now
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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