This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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