my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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