Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
