Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
