And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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