i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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