nut hugger
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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