i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
