OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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