i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
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Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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