my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
