I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
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Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
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Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about