Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
