I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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