I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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