Just fell off a train. Bad.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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