sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
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hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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