You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
