what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
