Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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