Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
